Sometimes It Hits You Like a Ton Of Bricks

Sometimes I wonder, if I might be going crazy after all.
Peace talks, negotiations, treaties,
to keep us from wanting the other's head on a plate.
After all, co-existing seems to be about as good as it will ever get.

Your name, at night, crosses my mind
At least a hundred thousand times.
That one word, poised upon my lips,
ready to escape.
I stop, scared, like a child.
Pull the covers up to my chin,
and hope that defends against the monster in the dark.
But it doesn't.
That monster is me,
my emotions, my feelings.

I wonder if you miss me, because I miss you, too.
I wonder if it's selfish, I wonder if I care.
I wonder if you ever really know, or are beginning to suspect.
I wonder if it's obvious, that I still have feelings.

The storm is here,
it grows and shrinks.
The severity changes,
several thousand times a day.

But to catch the slightest hint,
of the perfume that is you
is to make me lose control.
And I don't know what to do.

Unrequited love hits too close to home.
It beats me down, it strikes me,
it claws me to the bone.
It makes me want to scream at you,
and hide my face in shame.
The only thing I know is that my heart isn't the same.

You've left your mark upon me,
and I probably should be mad.
The emptiness in your eyes I see,
should make me rather glad.

It hurts to even think of it,
to think that it meant naught.
I know where my loyalties sit,
and it's not without a thought.

I should be trying to protect myself,
from these feelings that overwhelm.
But the sea of my heart is vast,
and there's no one at the helm.

The waters are foaming, raging and dark.
My thoughts turn to you,
whispered prayers on a lark.

I'll never get where I want to be,
I only wish you'd open your eyes,
and know enough to see.

See the pain within me,
see how I follow you like a doe.
See the feelings that should not be,
And melt through them like snow.

You told me no more love,
no poems, declarations of shame.
You forced my hand, you let me shove,
all that I had to my name.

You took it and I let you,
and for that I guess I'm sore.
I love you still, though I shouldn't,
and of this I am sure.

You may not know it; I hide it well,
these thoughts I will not share.
Try to hide it, kill it, let it go,
But the feelings are still there.

I cannot help I'm scared to admit,
the thoughts I hide inside.
And across the room, there you sit,
Oblivious to what is mine.

The pain I carry in my heart,
it strikes me down in pain.
I try to quell it, stop and start,
Try to stop it once again.

These feelings won't disappear,
betimes I wish they would.
Your blade cut far too near,
Would I change that if I could?

You think I am a silly girl,
for that I won't contest,
Your opinion of me sits too low,
and now I will protest.

I know you do not love me so,
and this I cannot change.
I only hope, wish and know
I don't feel the same.

You've changed me now,
My dear friend,
You've cut a path in my soul.
I will end this psalm of shame,
before it gets too droll.

But I will leave on a parting note,
and plead one last time,
My heart, my ode, caught in my throat,
this pain you've caused is mine.

There was a time you couldn't deny the love,
Knew what was there was real.
I'm not the one you hoped would fall,
but I cannot help what I feel.

I will not apologize,
for pining over you.
My aspirations are bigger than my size,
and I know what I must do.

To kill the torment and the pain,
Erase you from my heart,
I'll bare the words, the thoughts the shame,
Until I've a brand new start.

A life without the thought of you,
Is too much to endure.
But as the day begins anew,
I still am not sure.

Not sure I want to do this,
Not sure I can go on.
I choke it back for your sake,
And head on towards the dawn.

Let it open, let it shake,
the love I have for you.
In the end I cannot make
the hatred start anew.

I've tried and tried,
to deny the facts,
and gods, how I've cried.
You may not want to know the tracks
You've left in my mind.

I cannot declare I do not love,
the person of whom I speak.
My heart soars, just like a dove,
It makes my resolve grow weak.

Know I am always here for you,
do not talk in jest.
You have the key to my very heart,
nestled on your chest.

It isn't much, to hear me speak,
to know I don't belong.
If it were so, then let it be.
Love can never be wrong.

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Seriously Sick.

So everyone in the house has been sick this past week. Except for me. I'm sick in another way (or two, or several).

I'm sick of not spending time with my husband. Yes, I know, a few of you are kind of skeptical that I actually love him. Yes, I do. And when I wake up and he's either in so much agony over his knee and won't let me help him or has buried his own head up his ass in talking to his virtual chat buddies that I don't even REGISTER on his fucking radar - well, it's a bummer. Sex life? Gone. Our anniversary is in just over a week.

I'm tired of my whole work situation. I'm tired of people around here not respecting the fact that I need to work and be uninterrupted. I'm also sick of activities being scheduled for the times I AM working and can't participate. I'm tired of my office being a wreck - I was promised help getting it in order after our last guest stayed. That never happened. I can't work in a shithole.

Which brings me to my next point - I'm tired of getting no help with the housework. I rarely have time to do it - you know, I am the only fucking person paying bills around here. That's a lot of work. They could at least get off their asses and help a little more than once every other day. This place is falling apart and it's driving me nuts. Unfortunately I don't have time to do it all myself.

I'm sick of my inlaws. Enough said.

I'm tired of not being able to eat.
I miss my family and wish I could visit.
I wish I could go to the two conferences I have planned pertaining to humane officer training/vet studies this upcoming month. The lack of motivation of everyone around me makes me hesitant to even say it's a mild possibility.

I'm sick of dealing with other people. I'm seriously wondering if I shouldn't just move the fuck out on my own. At least then I wouldn't feel like I want to tear peoples' faces off.

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Channeling Annabel Lee

Nobody sees
The tears of she,
who weeps softly for her love.
Though they may try,
precious few spy
The sorrow of she who mourns.

Come with me,
said to he,
I'll carry you 'neath my heart.
I cannot be yours,
said he whom she mourns,
he who pierces her thoughts.

Deep in the winter,
her thoughts they do splinter
Upon hearing his voice in her head.
Come with me, says the man
taking her hand
and leading her on into dark.

She follows and prays,
for all of her days,
to end with this one final thought.
Love isn't a game,
not meant to cause shame
For those that feel in truth.

Beauty must die
And for this she will cry,
the girl who is gray in her heart.
Hold swift to your love,
and with one final shove,
twist the blade into your flesh.

It isn't the end,
Not for her my friend,
Her memory lives on in pain.
Carry this thought
The heart is not caught
Unless she can give it away.

Under the sky
Filled with love's lost refrain,
Lies the ghost of a beautiful girl

Tucked 'way neath the stars,
Not mine and not ours,
Cries the soul of a girl
had and lost.

Cry not for me,
Said he to the she
As he carried her body to warmth.
I'm not worth your time,
You'll never be mine,
could I change it, I would take it back.

Her eyes slipped aside,
and death could not hide,
a world full of fury and hurt.
I never loved you,
Though I thought were true,
Were the last words whispered
By the ghost of a girl
Who cried 'neath the wintr'y stars.

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The Cruxshadows - Winterborn

Dry your eyes and quietly bear this pain with pride
For heaven shall remember the silent and the brave
And promise me they will never see, the fear within our eyes
(my eyes are closed)
We will give strength to those who still remain

So bury fear, for fate draws near
And hide the signs of pain
With noble acts, the bravest souls
Endure the heart's remains
Discard regret, that in this debt
A better world is made
That children of a newer day might remember
And avoid our fate

(I've waited all day in the pouring rain, but nobody came, no, nobody came)

And in the fury of this darkest hour
We will be your light
You've asked me for my sacrifice
And I am Winter born
Without denying, a faith is come
That I have never known
I hear the angels call my name
And I am Winter born

Hold your head up high-for there is no greater love
Think of the faces of the people you defend
(you defend)
And promise me, they will never see the tears within our eyes
(my eyes are closed)
Although we are men, with mortal sins, angels never cry

So bury fear, for fate draws near
And hide the signs of pain
With noble acts, the bravest souls
Endure the heart's remains
Discard regret, that in this debt
A better world is made
That children of a newer day might remember
And avoid our fate

And in the fury of this darkest hour
We will be your light
You've asked me for my sacrifice
And I am Winter born
Without denying, a faith in God
That I have never known
I hear the angels call my name
And I am Winter born

And in the fury of this darkest hour
I will be your light
A lifetime for this destiny
For I am Winter born
And in this moment..I will not run
It is my place to stand
We few shall carry hope
Within our bloodied hands
(bloodied hands)
And in our Dying, we're more alive-than we have ever been
I've lived for these few seconds
For I am Winter born

And in the fury of this darkest hour
We will be the light
You've asked me for my sacrifice
And I am Winter born
Without denying, a faith in man
That I have never known
I hear the angels call my name
And I am Winter born

Within this moment now
I am for you, though better men have failed
I will give my life for love
For I am Winter born
And in my dying
I'm more alive, than I have ever been
I will make this sacrifice
For I am Winter born

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Lovely In Lust

Let me be your morning star.
I want to be the one who shines in your night.
Call me out, wherever you are,
I could not ignore you with all of my might.

Be the rose that blooms 'neath the sky
Bend to my love under the gold wings of dawn,
Without your voice on the wind, I thought I would die.
The casualties of love forever foregone.

You can't will your heart,
I cannot will my mind,
Young star cross'd lovers, doomed from the start,
Our fates always forever, and ever entwined.

The game of tag shall begin again,
Over and over, unceasing 'til the end.

Budding and blooming, the rose meets the knife,
Cut deep, break me,
Slide the blade 'twould take my life,
end the love that cannot be.

Hold the hand of the fire,
Morning star's eyes upon yours,
Stay away from the mire,
Stay away from the heart's wars.

Keep safe to your silence,
Lock your heart away in vain,
Mold her into compliance,
Watch her tears fall like rain.

It's over, she whispered. It's over, you won.
It is finished, she said. She was gone, dead and done.

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Warning - Mature. Not for the Faint of Heart.

Writing between the hours of 3 AM and 5 AM produced some very fetishized smut. Do not proceed if you are squeamish, morally disambiguous, suffering from a heart condition or opposed to really raunchy sex.



She pulled the thick velvet of her coat closer, huddling under the eerie white light of the cross that sat on the far outskirts of town. The stars twinkled above, and somewhere worlds away the white disco ball was dropping on the happy revelers of Times Square. They were laughing and partying, enjoying the thought of the new year that approached them. But she simply sat there in a white cotton dress, trying desperately to clench out the chill as she waited, waited only for him.


“Wait for me by the cross at midnight,” it had been days since he had uttered the words to her, his breath steaming against her ear. She had, at the time, tried to suppress the shudder that ran down her spine. Katherine had always projected herself as a strong, willful girl. Always spoiling for a fight, never the one to back down first. That had changed in the months since she had met Daniel.


The first time she'd met him, she'd engaged in her usual behaviors. Taunting, teasing and trying desperately to “out man” him. Competition was the only thing she had learned as the only girl in a large family. It was the only way she could think to impress him. Out think him, out run him, annoy him with her successes and never allow him to see her flaws. But the charade didn't last too long.


Some, like her husband, would accuse her of changing her personality to suit that of her intended's. But Katherine knew differently. Katherine liked to think that she knew herself, inside and out. She had a submissive side – a side that wanted nothing more than to be a slave to her master – greeting him at the door as he came home from work, waiting diligently with a glass of whiskey on the rocks, a hot dinner on the table, and an eager body ready to relieve the stresses of his day. Her husband cared naught for such things, and after as much was made apparent, she ceased to pursue them. He had no qualms; however, about her seeking out another partner to fulfill these fantasies.


Running a frozen finger through her auburn hair, Katherine couldn't believe she'd come to this point. They had asked Daniel to move in with them months ago – she and Daniel had been playing their quiet game of cat and mouse constantly ever since. But never in a million years did she think it would come to fruition. Never did the thoughts in her overly-worked brain think that it would culminate in this.


But there she was, dressed up and made up to look far more innocent than she was, waiting in the woods alone for the one who would come to claim her. Part of her wondered if it was a joke. Another part of her wished it was.


“Stand up.” The word trilled harsh through the crisp winter air. Katherine hadn't heard the crunch of the snowfall, hadn't noticed the change in light. She had no warning or clue that he had arrived.


Obeying his voice, she stood on legs that would better belong on an awkward, gangly youth. Nipped from the cold, she stumbled as she stood. Katherine turned to face Daniel, but kept her eyes averted. She feared she would cry at the sight of him.


Strong hands slid beneath her coat, brushing it from her shoulders. Katherine's roommate stepped back, appraising her with his eyes. She had dressed to his specifications that night. Every moment of preparation and every painstaking piece of care had been executed only with him in her mind. The soft knotted ponytail at the nape of her neck, the simple eyeliner that only served to accentuate her graying blue eyes, the white frilled summer sundress that was an anachronism in the snow. She wore nothing beneath the dress, and despite her vulnerability to the elements, was flushed with an internal heat.


Daniel let out a small grunt of approval, but still said nothing. Katherine's boots squeaked against a patch of ice as she shifted from one foot to the other, growing uncomfortable under his intense gaze. It was a gaze she had known time and again in these short few months, and one she had come to crave. No matter how much she had craved him, however, she had not been allowed to experience the fully glory that was Daniel.


Sure, there had been occasional moments of fevered passion, whispered fantasies late at night. But she had never been allowed to see him, feel him, touch him. Katherine could tell that he knew his game, and played it very well. She was practically bursting at the seams tonight, and it was all thanks to his carefully laid out scheme.


She lifted her gaze to look at him finally, the curves of her body beginning to shake from the chill. Her painted red lips, a whorish parody of the virginal outfit she wore, were poised to say something. Daniel took a step forward, and all thoughts of speech were lost. She felt stupid, she felt insignificant, she felt like a deer caught within the hunter's gaze and she liked it.


His tall form spun her around, catching her bare arm behind her. The cold bite of steel pressed against her throat as the object of her sexual torment marched her forward toward a small outcropping on the edge of the hill that held the town's most sacred monument.


Katherine bit back tears as she gazed up at the cross, the snowy spotlights throwing an eerie glow to the entire monument. How many times had she sat alone, praying to anyone who would listen that one day he would realize how much she loved him? How many times had she cried out those names, both sacred and profane, when he spurned her again and again? Was she really ready to do this on his terms? Her dignity was on the line, yes, but something far greater would break if she did not submit here and now.


“Please,” was her only whispered prayer this night. She did not know if she was asking her companion or the representation of the deity who towered above them. It didn't much matter as a slap cracked across her cheek, sending sparks of red haze swarming across her vision.


He pushed her onwards, edging her against the knife when he could and reveling in her pathetic mewls of discomfort when she stumbled and caused the blade to bite into her skin. “You wanted this,” he growled, echoing her own thoughts. Yes, she had wanted this. She had denied it, but she wanted it at any cost.


He chuckled as he removed the blade, but it was mere moments before she was tossed to the ground like a child's doll. She sprawled on the ground, trying desperately to keep her composure, some modicum of grace. He loomed above her. Without a word and without ceremony he unzipped his pants.


She scrambled to rise to her knees, the hem of her dress catching on a thorn from the dead foliage that surrounded them. Her lips rose to meet his cock, her studded tongue flicking a tentative hello. Daniel's hands entwined in her hair, shoving her mouth to accept him – all of him. She coughed and gagged, trying to accommodate the sudden intrusion. He merely laughed his characteristic laugh – deep and silent that shook his whole body. Were it not for the tremors of his loins, she would have never guessed his amusement.


Katherine's eyes welled with tears as she forced herself relentlessly upon him, caring little for intricacy or technique. Her whole body trembled with the effort, her whole consciousness devoted solely to this one activity. She accepted his cock as deep into her mouth as she could. When she reached her limit, he took over, thrusting and grinding against her and forcing her limits.

An eternity could have passed in the near silence. He grew tired of her mouth after what felt like an eternity. He pushed her away again. Though the command of silence was unspoken between them, Katherine could not help but yelp in displeasure. The sudden onslaught of him – the smell that was so intrinsic to his being, the warmth that kept her own juices flowing, the pleasure she derived from that one simple act was taken away in a second.


“Don't say a word, slut.” Daniel's word stabbed her deep to the core. Silent tears fell from her eyes now, a mixture of anticipation and delightful humiliation. He pressed her down to the ground, holding her wrists with just one of his hands. The knife that had marked her flesh earlier returned, slicing down the front of her dress.


Her breasts sprang free of their confinement, nipples standing at attention. Tiny silver rings glinted in the diffuse evening light. Daniel's mouth explored these toys that were so prominently displayed for his pleasure, and his pleasure only on this night. His teeth tugged at Katherine's nipple rings causing her back to arch upwards, pressing her body closer to his.


With the tap of a knife blade against one of her most vulnerable areas, Katherine spread her legs wide, exposing her dripping, hairless pussy to him. His teeth continued to mount their affectations upon her, causing her to yip and yelp every so softly. She snagged her bottom lip with her teeth, trying to suppress the sounds.


Daniel looked down at her, the epitome of the dominant male. His broad shoulders loomed over her now vulnerable and shaking form. “What do you want, you little slut?” The words danced on spirals of warm breath, bridging the gap between them.


“I want you,” she stammered, the words barely able to escape. “I want to be your slut, your slave, your toy. I want you as my Master. I want you as my Lover. I want you as all of the things in this life that are possible, no matter how improbable – friend, partner, father to my children.” The tears welled up in Katherine's eyes. She hated to admit that last statement. She hated to admit need, hated to admit defeat to him. Hated that she wanted something so mundane – so feminine. Hated to admit that, if he asked her, she would surrender herself to him completely. She hated herself most of all for wanting it so badly.


She continued, breathless. “I want you to possess me, control me. I want you to mold me as you see fit, to serve your purposes and desires. I want you to take what is rightfully yours, that you have earned through a battle of wits – my mind, my body, my soul and my heart.”


Daniel traced the blade in patterns down her chest, pressing deep enough only to allow her the barest of sensations, idly tracing circles and spirals as he contemplated her words. “I will take you, Katherine. I will mark you and claim you. It will not be pretty, and it will not be pleasant. I will stay with you, but not as a lover, and not as a friend. I will take what I want of you, when I want it. When I am done,” he spoke these words very carefully and deliberately, “You will know exactly what it is like to be alone.” He emphasized each word with a small flick of the knife, passing dangerously close to the soft flesh of her pussy.


She nodded, not bothering to hide the tears as they stood. She would do this for him. Her heart raced more than once. She would do this because she cared entirely too much for him, and he cared naught for her – not in the long term.

“You will become so accustomed to my touch, my needs, my demands,” he continued “That you will anticipate them before I ever have occasion to voice them. You will be rewarded with my release, and you will learn to accept that this is the path you have chosen in life – whores don't get to choose. You will come to crave my touch, and you will await each release like the little bitch in heat that you are. You will become addicted to me, and need me in a way that no addict has needed a drug before. Do you understand?” His eyes locked upon hers, the knife resting precariously at the entrance to her pulsing cunt.


Katherine nodded. “Yes, Master.” She forced the words out from the last reserve of her strength. This is what she wanted, an aspect of it anyway. She had already voiced her wants, her desires, her silly misguided fantasies. Katherine had wished against odds that he would come around, that they could build a life, albeit an unconventional one. She hoped against logic that he would choose her as his, and that they would continue on.


From time to time, Katherine saw images of this life flash before her eyes in a daydream state. The ceremony that would bind them. The days passing on as her stomach swelled with his child. The look of pride as she produced a son for him, the child's eyes, endless pools of brown that looked so like his father's. The fantasy was a joyous monotony she had never desired from anyone before. The thoughts soon passed as cold, hard reality set in. This was as close as she could and would ever get to that life.


Daniel set the knife aside and held her down by her throat, causing her vision to waver. He entered her then, without any further ceremony. He grunted as he struggled, her inner walls clenching against him. Despite the copious amounts of lubrication already present, he had a hard time breaching her initial defenses.


She moaned loudly, spearing herself on his cock. She wiggled beneath his grip, trying to take more of him, and more, until the very tip of him was banging against the entrance to her womb. She wanted to take every inch of him into her, regardless of whether it wrecked her. Daniel's hand moved from her neck to her mouth, stifling her noises of desire.


Inch by torturous inch he sank himself into her. She looked up at him, her eyes as wide as moons. Her body fought against his, not to escape but to fall further towards him. He began to thrust into her, over and over again.


Katherine writhed on the end of his cock, unable to control her pleasure. She had sacrificed her last remaining shreds of pride for this moment, her last existing shards of dignity. She whimpered, riding the wave of pleasure that Daniel's cock induced. She barely felt the sting of the knife as he began to carve a small design above her breast. She didn't care what it was – she would have given him that and more.


Blood and tears now fell freely from Katherine's body. Daniel continued thrusting ceaselessly into her, taking his pleasure and ignoring her's. It was not hard for Katherine to feel pleasure – it happened almost instantly. Even with thorny, frozen debris piercing her icy skin, Katherine was still only moments away from release.

“What's the matter, slut? Can't handle it?” Daniel's voice was a growl edged with the hardest of edges. His hand absently stroked her cheek, leaving Katherine a small dab of her own blood to mark her face. He grinned then, a grin of pure menace. His fingertips played over the newly formed cut on her body, causing the sting left by the blade to flare to life in a cacophony of fire and lime.

His fingertips played across her lips, and Katherine's eager tongue darted out to taste herself. It was this moment that set her over the edge.


“Please!” she whispered again with hushed urgency, sucking on his sticky fingers, cleaning every last drop of blood from them. “Please,” she whimpered, pushing herself against his every thrust, meeting him stroke for stroke. Her back arched up, her hands clenched into fists.


Daniel reveled in the sight of her – naked, vulnerable, helpless and broken. He gritted his teeth and let out a grunt of his own. Hot, thick ropes of semen poured into Katherine's waiting body. She let out a subhuman howl, a scream that seemed to shake the forest. Her body clenched around his, as though trying to pull him closer and closer, no matter how futile it was.


Her breath was labored, and she collapsed back against the ice covered ground. After a moment, Daniel stood and tidied himself. He had managed to not get blood on his clothing, and had managed to pull himself together in record time.


Daniel chuckled. “Have fun walking home. When you get there, that asshole is mine”.


Katherine sat in a daze for a little while, her fingers playing over the mark that was carved in her chest, just above where she thought her heart used to be. With movements as slow and as fluid as molasses, Katherine began her long walk home, wondering how she would explain she had compromised herself. Wondering what her husband would think. These thoughts were soon chased from her mind, as the stirrings of desire to have her Master inside of her again took hold. She trudged home, not caring that the only scrap of clothing she had to shield her on her walk was her threadbare jacket.

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Courtesy of Anais Nin

I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don't mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don't mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling all that I am capable of doing but I am going to be pursued, fucked, possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.

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